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Funny stuff

01, 02

21 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

  • At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
  • Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
  • Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
  • Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
  • Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
  • In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds".
  • Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
  • Don't use any punctuation.
  • As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
  • Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
  • Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
  • Sing Along At The Opera.
  • Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
  • Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
  • Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
  • Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
  • When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
  • When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
  • Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
  • Go to the fitting rooms with a packet of condoms and say you would like to fit it.
  • And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .....

Send this e-mail to someoneto make them smile. Its called ... therapy.

 

Source: The Email Rounds.

GM vs Gates

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

 

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

  • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
  • Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
  • The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  • Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Source: The Email Rounds.

How to tell if a girl is Jewish

How to tell if a girl is Jewish

Once upon a time

A guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased... did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many girlfriends and boyfriends, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself, watched chick flicks, never football, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self-esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore and farted all the time.


THE END

 

Source: The Email Rounds.

Proof of global warming

Global warming panties

 

Source: The Email Rounds.

Brain teasers

  • Mariah Carey: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
  • Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst: "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    Source: Email doing the rounds

Fun Things To Do in a Public Bathroom

  • Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
  • Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
  • Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  • Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
  • Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
  • Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
  • Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  • Say, "Now how did that get there?"
  • Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
  • Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
  • Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
  • Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
  • Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
  • Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  • Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
  • Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
  • Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  • Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  • Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
  • Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
  • Telulah Bankhead once ended up in a stall without paper. So she asked the lady in the stall next to her if she'd mind handing her some paper. It was one of those places,  I think, where you had to get enough paper at the front before going into the stall. So, the lady said, sternly: 'No.' So Telulah asked, do you have a five? The lady, shocked, said: 'Certainly not!' So Telulah asked: 'Do you have change for a twenty?'

Source: Commonplacebook and The Email Rounds.

Words: eggcorns and slang

Eggcorns are collected by Chris Waigl if you have any contributions. Eggcorns are made-up words that are waiting to be taken up in the mainstream. These are the ones I have bumped into over time.

  • Bone of contention: Erection discovered by wife or girlfriend while you are both watching Bay Watch.
  • Bunny Boiler: Obsessive and possessive woman. After Glenn Close in the film, 'Fatal Attraction'.
  • Two Bagger: This is the ultimate in unattractiveness. Applying to persons of either sex, these are people who need two bags over their heads before sex with them becomes a feasible proposition
  • Testiculating: Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
  • Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Seagull manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
  • Assmosis: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
  • Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
  • Cube farm: An office filled with cubicles.
  • Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
  • SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
  • Sinbad: single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
  • Stress puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  • Percussive maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  • Adminisphere: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.  404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.  
  • OhNoSecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')  
  • Going for McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
  • Aeroplane Blonde: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
  • Aussie kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.  
  • Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.  
  • Millennium domes: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.  
  • Pearl Harbor: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
  • Picasso Bum: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks
  • Salad dodger: An excellent phrase for an overweight person
  • Swamp Donkey: A deeply unattractive woman
  • Tart fuel: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women
    Source: Rod Jones Dotcom Gallery and emails doing the rounds

A Christmas Tradition is Born (author unknown)

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

Source: Steph Mineart

The Male/Female Thing

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

  • Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
  • Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
  • A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
  • A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
  • Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
  • A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
  • A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
  • An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
  • A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
  • A Remote Control is Female. You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

One of those emails doing the rounds

Penis van Lesbian

Penis van Lesbian Joke: A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen. "You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of." "Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man. "I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent. "Sir?" "Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name." "Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.""If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man.""Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter: Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide .Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame. Very Sincerely Yours, Dick Van Dyke - submitted by Annie, Portland, OR to the About.com Lesbian Site

 

Source: Lesbian Life, About.com

Divorce

The word divorce, said the comedian Robin Williams, himself no stranger to the experience, is "derived from the Latin meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet".

Source: Belfast Telegraph

Give a man a fish...

  • The Original: “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime”—Author unknown
  • The Improvements “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to fish; and you will not have to listen to his incessant whining about how hungry he is.”—Author unknown
  • “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.”—Author unknown
  • “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.”—Author unknown
  • “Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.  Unless he doesn't like sushi—then you also have to teach him to cook.”—Auren Hoffman, Herald Philosopher
  • “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat and drink beer all day.”—OldFox
  • “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime.  Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak.”—Author unknown
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; Then industry pollutes the water and kills all the fish.

Source: Ross Nordeen

Washington Post's Style Invitational

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

  • Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
    little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  • Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  • Giraffiti:
    Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
    bummer.
  • Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
  • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  • Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  • Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  • Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.
  • Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
  • Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  • Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
  • Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  • Glibido: All talk and no action.
  • Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

  • coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.
  • flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  • abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  • esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • willy-nilly: Impotent.
  • negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  • lymph: To walk with a lisp.
  • gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  • flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  • balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
  • testicle: A humorous question on an exam.
  • rectitude: The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  • pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.
  • oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  • Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  • circumvent: An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Source: Washington Post's Style Invitational

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time,in a land far away,a beautiful, independent,self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat,contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however,and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. YThat night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, She chuckled and thought to herself: I don't fucking think so.

Source: Wichita Now

The Gay Agenda

The gay people of America seem to want this simply inexcusable level of boundless, unchecked normalcy. It's true. For some reason, they believe the utterly disgusting idea that they should be able to live their lives in peace and trust and health, with full support and assistance from their schools and hospitals and government, just like everyone else. I know. Shudder. It is, in fact, remarkably similar to what heteros want. And women. And black people. And immigrants. And dwarves.

 

That is, to be able to fall in love and maybe even get married (or at least have the option) and have decreasing amounts of sex and raise a family and hold down a good job and pay their taxes and argue with their lovers over who the hell spent 200 bucks on long distance to their mother, all while not having to worry about getting the living crap beaten out of them with tire chains by Arkansas and Alabama and most of Texas, or secretly loathed by small-minded pseudo-Christians who wouldn't know Jesus' true message if it bit them on the other cheek. Ah, the deviousness of it all, the sheer nerve to desire the same sort of lives as everyone else. But do you want to know the kicker?

 

The true aspect of the "gay agenda" that makes the religious right's skin really crawl? Here it is: When all of that normalcy is in place, when these repulsive gay beings who like to walk around in public and eat at restaurants and drink their lattes and laugh out loud and stick things into each other's bodies for sexual pleasure, well, they want the most appalling thing of all: They just want to be left alone. I know. It's hideous. How dare they! How dare most gays ask not to be harassed and not really care to flaunt their sexuality or convince anyone that homosexuality is cool or righteous or the only way to be, beyond reassuring children that it's OK to be whatever religion or sexual orientation your mind and body and heart and soul guide you to be. Can you imagine? What horror. Ignorant, intolerant schoolteachers should protest that nasty idea right now.

 

Source: SFGate.com

Why Can't I Own a Canadian? (October 2002)

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18: 22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

 

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18: 22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

  • When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  • I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  • I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  • Lev. 25: 44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
  • I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
  • A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11: 10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
  • Lev. 21: 20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
  • Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19: 27. How should they die?
  • I know from Lev. 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  • My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19: 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24: 10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20: 14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

 

Source: Humanists of Utah

A Letter From Barbie to Santa

Dear Santa,

 

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list, Santa:

  • A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
  • Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
  • A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
  • Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
  • Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
  • A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
  • A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a Buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!
  • A new, more ‘90s look. “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum; Or “Divorce Barbie” and package me with all of Ken’s belongings.
  • No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
  • Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly, Barbie Dreamhouse Malibu, CA


Source: Commonplacebook.com

A Letter From Ken to Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

 

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

 

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon Ken”, or “Out of work Actor Ken?” In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: “S & M Ken” “Green Lantern Ken” “Circuit Ken” “Bear Ken” “Master Ken.”

 

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we’ve talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he’s mine. Sincerely, Ken

 

Source: Commonplacebook.com

Snoop Dog Shizzolator

There is one way to take yourself down a peg or two. Enter your oh-so-fancy English webpage into the link above and see how the shizzolator updates your idiom.
Source: Snoop Dog, Tha Shizzolator (Gone offline)

Dykish Halloween costumes

• The little boy with his finger in the dike
• Drag King
• Lesbian character from a TV show
• Bride/Bride or Groom/Groom
• If butch, do fem or vice versa
• Gynecologist

 

Adapted from: Lesbianlife @ About.com

Silicone

Beauty fades, silicone lasts forever.

Source: Egomania.nu

Scary

Click here

to watch a collection of people-being-scared clips in a single video file.

Source: www.metacafe.com

Dangerous Jobs

dangerous jobs

dangerous jobs

 

dangerous jobs

 

dangerous jobs

 

dangerous jobs

 

dangerous jobs

 

dangerous jobs

 

Source: Email rounds

 

{Tanya Pretorius' Bookmarks: Me, Funny stuff}


 
 

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