People I like | Dan Savage


Page 01 (this one) constitutes The Dan Savage Resource Book


01, 02, 03, 04

Basic info about Dan Savage

When I first bumped into Dan Savage there was one 4 minute video on youtube of him getting annoyed with a journalist interviewing him because the journalist was unprepared. That was in 2003. I have since read every word, listened to every podcast, and wish I had satellite TV to watch his MTV verbal agony column for university students. Sigh.


He's now a syndicated agony aunt.. Now editor and agony aunt at The Stranger. This is what they say about him over there:

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at The Stranger to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. Of the 100-120 days he works in a given calendar year, Savage dedicates fully 90 of them to psychologically abusing his staff by rewriting articles without telling them, assigning huge pieces at the last minute, and questioning their dedication to the paper, their intellect, and indeed, their sexuality. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball. Good luck getting him on the phone, and don’t ever ask where he’s going or where he’s been.

This is a compilation made from The Stranger, in my usual obsessive fashion, of the things that intrigued, and amused me about the way Dan Savage expresses himself. The headings I have added in myself, as summaries of what follows.


The compilation starts with Acronyms, one of the ways Dan expresses his gleeful exasperation at having to say a thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over. His control of English and hIs alertness to what his agonized readers are ACTUALLY saying is keen, sharp, leathermanic. I absolutely adore this guy and approve wholeheartedly of absolutely everything that he says, wholesale. If for two seconds I think, "Ag nee aa", two seconds later I am on his side again.


Reading this page is no substitute for combing the archives at The Stranger. The responsiveness of his readers is less evident here than it is in the archives, for instance, but some of the letters that inspired incredulity in me, are here. And Dan's incisiveness inspires incisiveness in the responses.


Of course there are the dissenters who think Dan writes both sides of his column - if he did, it would be evidence that double doses of hero-worship would be in order. This is an ongoing obsession, Dan is not buried in my favorites menu, but resides in my favorites toolbar.

Official biographical notes

by Eileen Murphy

Savage, a native of Chicago, made headlines during the 2000 presidential campaign when he covered the Iowa Caucuses for online magazine Salon. Openly gay, Savage went undercover to work for the campaign of religious-right Republican candidate Gary Bauer. When he wrote that he licked doorknobs and drooled on office supplies to give noted homophobe Bauer influenza, quite a brouhaha erupted. Savage went on to cast a vote in the Caucuses despite his status as a Washington state resident. He was caught, eventually pleaded guilty to charges of voter fraud in November 2000 and was sentenced to a year's probation, 50 hours of community service, and a $750 fine. Stranger Publisher Tim Keck says the recent scandal makes Savage more attractive for the paper's top editorial job.
Source: Association of Alternative Weeklies

Dan Savage
Source pic: Skipping Towards Gomorrah (one of his books)

The Dan Savage Rules

Dan makes it look easy, but of course The Rules were divised over 20-odd (grin) years. This is a work in progress on his part (no doubt) and mine.

  • Straight people can't put a 'mine' sticker on exes, gays can't - the pool is too small
  • In a disappointing relationship? Adjust your expectations and stay, try appreciation. Or refuse to adjust 1) be miserable 2) leave, find someone else or die trying.
  • Always tell the man if he makes you pregnant, or if you decide to have an abortion. Hearing that almost-a-daddy bullet whiz past his head may convince him to put on that condom the next time he’s fucking a woman he isn’t serious about, even if she is (or claims to be) on birth control. Never tell the man if you suspect that the guy is gonna bully, badger, and/or do violence to you in an attempt to prevent you from choosing abortion.
  • relationship doesn't have to last until one of you drops dead for it to be regarded as a success.
  • When you can take it or leave it when it comes to a relationship, you owe the other person to leave it.
  • You are responsible for miscellaneous damages that occur when you are hosting sex play. Menstual blood on the sheets, santorum on the couch, dining room table splinters... you have to sort it out without complaining.
  • Cheating is not an extinction-level event
  • You can't be friends with someone who wants to have a relationship with you that you don't want to have
  • Don't fuck bigots if you are a part of any minority group.
  • You have no right to start a new relationship without having dealt with your baggage. You need to solve your emotional problems... then get in a relationship.
  • Don't make excuses for the jealous and abusive behaviour of your partner, even if they were cheated on or abused by a previous partner, that partner IS NOT YOU. You should be judged on your own merits.
  • If you are a serial cheater - leave your partner, make sure you don't get into relationships pretending that you can be monogomous.
  • Don't use the word 'pussy' to describe weakness or cowardice.
  • Missing foreplay -Write him dirty letters and tell him that you want to ramp your sex life up a notch, then one day ttell him you are going to the bedroom to masturbate to a bit of porn, "Why don't you come join me in about 20 minutes." Make it not a chore for him. (He should respond by giving you foreplay on other occasions, willingly, with a smile.
  • Zero tolerance for friendships with rapists - end the friendship, men should stand up to other men for their inappropriate behaviour.
  • If you are addicted to porn - trash your porn, rip the internet out of your house. If you aren't addicted to porn... treat it like play, not a necessity.
  • Oral sex is a given. If personal hygiene is an issue, take a shower together.
  • Kinks must be introduced during the first foreplay, or as soon as possible thereafter. As a positive smorgasbord, "Hey, as the person getting to fuck me, you are in for a great time, You know what you are going to get to do?" Own it.
  • Own the things that turn you on.
  • When meeting strangers IRL that you have only met before online: Tell someone where you are going. Ask for a telephone number and test it. Meet in a public place with a short amount of time available. Make sure it's a no-fuck date - that way if you get a bad vibe you won't feel pressurised to fuck and you can dump the stranger with less risk.
  • BDSM - Explicit consent is essential, a safe word that stops the activities, both of you must say what turns you on and what doesn't turn you on
  • If your abuser comes out of the closet by hitting you, set up an escape plan and come out of the closet and tell the details of it. "Listen, motherfucker, I have this plan and if you do that again, I am going to institute this plan." Make them pay for the plan in their abuse-verdriet. Your name on the back-up account mind you!
  • When being stalked telephonically, first make it clear you don't welcome the calls and then screen them and DON'T ANSWER. When being stalked IRL, MOVE.
  • Past relationships tell you bucketloads about a potential lover - LISTEN.
  • When you leave someone, let them heal, don't keep seeing them.
  • If you think you are addicted - stop.
  • Confront people in a non-threatening way, e.g. I am worried about you, I am here for you
  • If you have slept with someone, you may not be horrible to them, ignore them or leave them in a worse condition than when you arrived.
  • Revenge is stupid
  • Parents forcing you to (be something, do something, not do something) are abusing their authority, refuse to see them if you have left home, but if you are still at home or they are using paying for your education as leverage, lie.
  • We owe our partners sex (and sex with a smile), and if we don't provide, they can find it elsewhere (safely and responsibly), but it's still cheating, so be nice to your spouse. If you want your spouse to get it elsewheer, tell them.
  • Girls mustn't steal spunk to make a baby.
  • Stay with the honest foot fetishist, or you may land up with the dishonest necrophiliac.
  • Safe words should end scenes, not provide an edit-the-scene break.
  • No means no.
  • Threesomes: the third should not stay the night.
  • Don't react badly to suggestions from your partner, try it, and if you don't like it, you still have to do it at least twice a year - set the dates - smile while doing it.
  • Shit happens. The shitter has to clean it up.
  • Use safe words with rape-fantasy scenes.
  • Don't come out to SOME people, ALL or nothing.
  • Anal sex is sex.
  • If girls finally 'let' guys fuck them when pressured, the guy is raping them. Sex is when you both want to. Rape is when one wants to.
  • If you love 'em and want to stay, stay. If you don't love 'em and want to leave, leave. But if you don't know (after due diligence), leave and spend the time you would have spent wondering, finding someone new.

The Dan Savage Acronyms

AFTF ~ A Fetish Too Far
AJ ~ Action Jackson
BDISIW ~ Beautiful, Deep, Intelligent, Strong, Independent Woman
CAP ~ curious about penetration
CB ~ Clever Bitch (my contribution)
CBT ~ cock and ball torture
COM ~ creepy old man
DOAC ~ defecating on Ann Coulter (Dan hate(s)(d) this woman for the longest time - republican anti-anyone-who-isn't-Christian

D/s - Dom/sub
FTMs ~ Female To Male transsexuals
GGG ~ Good, Giving and Game
GRG ~ Grand Romantic Gesture
GFE ~ girlfriend experience, which means the sex worker will, for money, treat you nicely, kiss, cuddle, etc.
GLH ~ Girl Love Handles
GLH ~ Girl Love Handles
LBD ~ lesbian bed death, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, University of Washington sociologist coined LBD
LTR ~ Long Term Relationship
NSA ~ No Strings Attached
PDA ~ Public Display of Affection

PNB ~ Potential New Boyfriend
RPRs ~ Rights, Privileges, and Responsibilities
WWWC ~ Women Who Want Commitment

The Definitions of the terms Dan Savage often uses

  • Action Jackson ~ putting a tampon in ass when masturbating

  • alternaporn ~ girl on top, non-missionary

  • barebacking ~ butt-fucking without a condom

  • bio-boys ~ biologically male != FTM

  • blairing ~ fibbing during cyber sex shall be known as pulling a Jayson Blair or "blairing."

  • carpet-muncher ~ lesbian

  • cliterati ~ prominent feminists

  • earning red wings ~ cunnilingus during menses

  • eproctophilia ~ desire to have gas passed in your face

  • femoral intercourse ~ place dick between thighs, press thighs together, and hump away until thighs are a sticky mess. Some other names for femoral intercourse: college-style, dry humping, "English method," and my favorite, "The Weekly Standard."

  • heteroflexibility ~ not bi but not too straight

  • hotwifing ~ where you wife swap because you guys want to and not because there's a humiliation element
  • maeiusophilia ~ desire for pregnant women

  • Navratilovas ~ some lesbians have never slept with a man (navratiloviest of navratilovas)

  • pegging - placing dildo into butt

  • plushophiles ~ 'furries' have sex with stuffed animals or while wearing "fursuits" that make them look like stuffed animals, like anthropomorphic animals

  • queefs ~ air-pumped-in, air-pushed-out vaginal farts

  • refluxophiles ~ likes to puke on partner during sex, or be puked on

  • Roman Shower ~ the puke

  • saddlebacking - Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex to preserve their virginities

  • santorum ~ frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is the byproduct of anal sex

  • scat ~ poo-eaters activity

  • scrotal infusion ~ injecting saline solution into men's scrotumsand blow their scrotums up to the size of basketballs (the saline is gradually absorbed into the body, returning the scrotum to its pre-infusion size)

  • Slav style ~ fucking (ankles next to ears) in the ass

  • snowballing - passing a boyfriends load from your mouth to his.
  • sounding ~ shoving of metal rods up men's urethras

  • stick pussy ~ she-male cock (transsexual or transvestite)

  • teabagging ~ taking a mans balls (and scrotum ~ bag) into your mouth

  • thoroughbreds ~ gay men have never slept with a woman (thoroughest of thoroughbreds)

  • tossed salad ~ rimming

  • tranny ~ transvestite

  • unknown unknowns ~ you didn't know you didn't know

The No-Nos are off the Dan Savage menu

Necrophilia, scat, bestiality, and pedophilia

The Websites that Dan Savage has mentioned (Gone offline) (Gone offline) (Gone offline) (Gone offline) (Gone offline)

My favorite Dan Savage piece

Our man of perpetual sorrow (for This American Life) is read by Dan Savage in a podcast. He starts at 38min39sec. Funny, ironic and sad. Dan writes with fantastic internal structure. He reads aloud about his attitude to the Catholic Church and the role it has played in his life. And the death of his mother. Unbelievably brilliant and touching. My favorite lines... "When we were all at her bedside, she arched one eyebrow and said, Shit." And "If I were the kind of person that could believe, I would believe. But I am not that type of person. Shit."

My favorite Dan Savage letter

I’m writing to you to settle a dispute between my husband and me. We’re not terribly adventurous, but we’re not totally vanilla, either. My husband constantly pesters me to have anal sex. We have tried it in the past, and it is NOT my bag. I don’t enjoy it AT ALL. I’m pretty GGG, Dan, but this is one thing where I draw the line. He thinks I’m being unreasonable; I think he is. Do I need to give in, or does he need to get off my back?

Needing Expert Advice


I think we should all be—as I’ve written about a hundred thousand times—good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I frequently like to remind married people—particularly, married people who value monogamy—that they willingly assumed sole responsibility for their spouses’ sexual fulfillment.


That said, NEA, we are each entitled to our likes and dislikes.


But before I let you off the anal hook: I’m assuming that your all-caps emphasis—“NOT my bag,” “don’t enjoy it AT ALL”—means that you find anal penetration to be a physical trial and/or an emotional torment. “I could TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT” or “There’s nothing in that for ME” or “That leaves me COLD” are not good enough reasons to refuse to occasionally indulge your spouse in whatever it is that gets him/her off. While it would be wonderful if every couple’s sex life consisted entirely of acts that both partners found equally thrilling—so egalitarian! So fairzees!—a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples, to trust in coincidence alone.


Okay, NEA, getting back to your ass: You tried it, you didn’t like it, and you don’t have to keep doing it. And, yes, your husband should stop pestering you about it, NEA, but you do have to let him grieve—grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get from you and, if you’re monogamous, grieve for the ass he isn’t going to get anywhere else.


And speaking of anal …

Nancy Elliott, a state representative in New Hampshire, wants to ban same-sex marriage in that state—where it’s been legal for less than three months—and here’s her reasoning: “We’re talking about taking the penis of one man and putting it in the rectum of another man and wiggling it around in excrement. And you have to think … would I allow that to be done to ME?”


Where to begin? How about here …

If you’re wiggling your penis around in excrement when you’re having anal sex, Representative Elliott, you’re doing it wrong. You would think this would be obvious even to people who’ve never had anal sex, but apparently not. So let me break it down for you, Representative Elliott: You don’t have anal sex with an ass full of shit for the same reason you don’t have oral sex with a mouth full of food. It’s messy and no one wants a mess. (Except for the people who do want a mess, of course, but they’re a blessed rarity.) An empty, douched, and lubed anal cavity isn’t that much dirtier than an empty, flossed, and brushed oral cavity.


I will concede that excrement is for anal what Representative Elliott is for the New Hampshire State Legislature: a PR disaster. But excrement-free anal sex is easy. Make sure there’s some fiber in your diet, be regular, and only go for it when you’re empty and you’ll never get excrement on a single wigglin’ dick.


And now a question for you, Representative Elliott: Are you really sure you want to make it illegal for buttfuckers to get married?


“According to a 2005 survey conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention,” a commenter whom I’m going to quote at length (hey, Baconcat!) wrote on a blog in reaction to Elliott’s remarks, “Some studies put the incidence of anal sex in the heterosexual population as low as 24 percent and some as high as 56 percent. Averaging those numbers, let’s say 38.8 percent of heterosexuals engage in anal sex. Ninety-six percent of Americans are straight. There are 190,000,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, so that means 70,771,200 adults are engaging in heterosexual anal sex. Four percent of the adult population is gay, or 7,600,000 people. Roughly half—3,800,000—are gay males. Polls indicate that between 55 and 80 percent of gay males participate in anal sex. Taking the average—67.5 percent—that means the number of gay men having anal sex comes to 2,565,000.”


Math is hard, Representative Elliott, but see if you can’t wiggle this into your cranial cavity: 70,771,200 is more—a whole lot more—than 2,565,000. Anal sex in America is primarily a heterosexual pursuit. So if you really want to protect the sacred sanctity of marriage from the unholy taint of penises wiggling in rectums, Representative Elliott, you need to ban straight marriage first. (We needn’t protect marriage from lesbians, of course, because lesbians don’t have anuses.)

The Dan Savage Classics...

Here is the start of a collection in brief, really brief, of some of the classic Dan Savage clear expression moments that bite.


Bear culture quickly moved from rejecting the notion that there should be one standard of gay male beauty—hairless, flat-tummied twinks—to enforcing its own monolithic standard of gay male beauty—fat-bellied, hair-covered bears.

I'll get shitloads of angry emails if I don't make this point, so let's get it out of the way: She's 21, you're 26, and you've been together for five years? That means she was-oh, the humanity!-16 and you were 21 when you met. While red-blooded Americans love their barely legal lesbian porn, they frown mightily on barely legal honest-to-God lesbian love. For shame, tut-tut, how do you sleep at night, etc.

And while C&R (Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning;, as long-time vibrator merchants, didn't want you to blame your vibrator, they were, as long-time lesbians, more than content to blame your boyfriend.

Stockholm syndrome—when a hostage begins to identify with, and feel sympathy for, her captor—is the only possible explanation for the final paragraph of your letter, in which you meekly justify your boyfriend's appalling behavior. Stop identifying with your captor! Stop making excuses for the way he treats you! DTMFA!

Gay? Dunno. Inconsiderate, unreliable, lousy partner, neglectful parent? Yes, yep, yup, and ya. Shall we set aside the whole pole-smokin' issue, HOMO, and focus on what's really going on here?

Here's where it gets complicated. I survived cancer a few years back. I'm having symptoms again, but I haven't told anyone. In a few months, a business trip will give me the opportunity to hook up with a very skilled ex-lover--who I know, based on experience, will lose interest if I'm bald and chemo-scented. So do I come clean with my husband and oncologist and openly beg for a last hurrah? Or do I keep quiet about my symptoms for a few months, have a glorious but presumably final great fuck, and then slink home for a cancer treatment that may or may not have any effect? For the record, I know my priorities are messed up and that cheating is wrong and that cancer doesn't absolve me from ethical dilemmas. But the question I need answered is this: What price great sex?
Devil's Bargain

Your letter, DB, illustrates why there will never be a "Make a Wish Foundation" for adults. Most grownups, when forced to stare death in the face, aren't going to want to go to Disneyland or meet Oprah. No, most grownups with terminal illnesses are going to wanna do shit like fuck their exes one last time before they croak. If I were about to die, I would want to spend a day locked in the trunk of a small car with Andy Roddick--preferably a small black car that's parked in the sun somewhere hot.

After he left I demanded to know what was going on. At first my girlfriend insisted I had a dirty mind. I told her I recognized a boner when I saw one, and she confessed they'd been having incestuous relations since they were teenagers-and didn't think it was a big deal! I told her it was a huge deal to me because a) she's cheating on me, b) she's cheating on me with her brother, and c) ew.

What's with the incest letters lately? Was the incest taboo rescinded, and only SISTEH and I failed to get the memo? Motherfuckers, brotherfuckers, fatherfuckers-just reading the subject lines on my emails is giving me screaming nightmares. Eesh.

Listen, SISTEH: Dumping the brotherfucker was the right thing to do-a no-brainer, a definite case of DTBFA. Would you want the future mother of your children to regard incest as anything other than the taboo-to-the-10th-power that it is and, if I have anything to say about it, always will be?


I regret writing back in April that men who get sex-change operations have "their dicks cut off." This is not the case, according to at least one angry tranny who wrote in. What happens is this: The dick is sliced open, the erectile tissue is scooped out, and then the hollow, empty tube that used to be the penis is pulled up inside the body to create a vaginal canal. The head of the penis is somehow relocated to the spot above the entrance to the new vagina, stitched into place, and the newly created female bits are almost fully functional--the new woman is even orgasmic!--and she is not, as I implied, a genital-less freak. According to the angry tranny who wrote in, reading about how dicks are sliced open, hollowed out, and their heads stitched into place is somehow less disturbing than reading the phrase "have their dicks cut off." I regret the error.

I regret suggesting that all goth girls are fat. There are many slim goth girls out there, including one that sits in the cubicle right down the hall from me.

I regret that in last week's column I neglected to tell the woman who encountered crap in her boyfriend's ass that there were proactive steps he could take to make sure his bowels are empty before she sticks her arm up there, from a few moments on the can to a fiber-rich diet to a full-blown enema. I was too busy making jokes about Braille dictionaries and twice-backed potatoes to offer her much useful advice.

Shit? You think? Right up there in your boyfriend's butt? Are you sure, WABN? I mean, it could have been a Braille dictionary you felt up there--they're pretty rough and uneven. Or an almond croissant. Or a twice-baked potato. Or a meteorite. I mean, the world is full of rough and uneven things, WABN, and frankly it's disturbing that you would assume it was shit you encountered in your boyfriend's ass. So how do you handle this situation if it happens again? Repeat after me: Anal play--from JV fingers to varsity-level "Louisville Pluggers"--requires the temporary suspension of disbelief. It's a hole; a pleasure center; an entry, not an exit. When mature anal-sex fans encounter an unwelcome reminder of the lower GI's primary function--a rough and uneven lump, a sudden release of gas, a spreading santorum slick--they regard it as a sign from the anal-sex gods that the butt-sex portion of the program is canceled. So the next time you encounter something rough and uneven in your boyfriend's ass--or if he ever encounters something rough and uneven in your own--don't keep digging around in there. However much your boyfriend may be enjoying the moment, the anal action is over. It is not disrespectful under the circumstances you've described to say, "You're not clean, sweetie," or, "There isn't room in there for me," or the simple and effective, "Occupied!" Suggest a quick break, maybe a shower, and laugh/wipe it off.

AMENITIES remaining a virgin she's denying her perfectly hot body to the kind of guys who regard hot women's bodies as public amenities... But gently and respectfully asking/pressuring/begging someone to expand his or her sexual horizons is not the same thing as refusing to take "no" for an answer. It's just refusing to take "no" for an answer right away.

Okay, A.Z., after reading MAC's letter, and after insisting your husband read MAC's letter, is circumcision really something you want to risk? I know, I know, "complications," as it's delicately put, are rare after circumcision. But even if the odds are low--even if they're infinitesimal--the thought of having to look your glans-less son in the eye one day and say, "We're awfully sorry about that botched circumcision, son, but your father and I used to know this woman who once dumped a guy because he was uncircumcized, you see, and we didn't want to risk that ever happening to you... and... so. Sorry."

I'm only saying that you would be cutting off your clit to spite your twat

So don't say, "Your hairy anus is revolting." Instead say, "I think your hairy anus is revolting." Also, humor could help to dispel tension, i.e., "Hey, when did they start making thongs out of dead ferrets?"

If your girlfriend's dildo is made out of a porous material like latex or vinyl, PCP, you might want to try switching to a nonporous, more expensive, and less irritating silicone dildo. Also, with a silicone dildo you can use a non-water-based lube, e.g., something greasy. Some guys find that oil-based lubes ease the way. (Attention buttfuckers: Oil-based lubes dissolve latex condoms and are NOT to be used for penis-in-butt style buttfucking.)

While I usually don't run letters from braggarts who go on and on about their awesome sex lives (roughly 10 percent of the mail), in your case I'm making an exception, HERSLAVE. Your letter illustrates an important point: My column often gives the impression that only straight boys are kinky and only straight girls have to be GGG. But that's not always the case, as HERSLAVE's letter demonstrates. Non-kinky girls who find themselves with kinky boys are over-represented in the column, however, because these girls tend to view their partner's kinks as problems and seek out advice. Non-kinky boys who find themselves with kinky girls, on the other hand, tend to see themselves as lucky bastards and get with the whole spanking-spunk-eating program without a lot of prompting from yours truly.

Dear Readers: Last week we were treated to the childhood sexual misconceptions of my male readers--a shocking number of which involved piss. This week it's the girls' turn....

My grandma on my dad's side liked to come in while I was sitting on the toilet, doing number two, and tell me, "That's how your mommy had you! One day--poop! Francie came out!" I guess she thought it was cute or something. When I was done, I would stare at my own poop while it swirled around the green ceramic toilet bowl of my grandma's toilet, feeling vaguely disconcerted.
Francie Fuckin' Freaked

When I was about seven, my older friend Annie told me that the way a man and a woman had sex was that the man put his middle finger inside the woman's bellybutton and twisted from side to side. That's why they called it screwing. This really screwed me up because when I would sit on my dad's lap he would sometimes rest his hand on my belly and absentmindedly put his finger in my bellybutton. When another friend told me the truth about sex, I was totally grossed out. I told her that she was lying and proceeded to tell her about bellybutton sex.
Bellybutton Creeps

Growing up I heard the term "screwing" to describe fucking. As I had only ever seen a penis when it was soft and it had looked quite large to me, compared to the small place between my legs where it was to go, I thought it was called screwing because you had to somehow "screw" the penis around and around to get it in there. I spent many hours puzzling over how this would actually be done. Did she rotate on top of him? Did he somehow manage to turn it around and around while staying in one place? Just how did a man manage to screw that big soft thing into such a small tight hole?
Strange Tales of Really Interesting Embarrassing Situations

I discovered masturbation when I was in the fourth grade, home from school with nothing better to do. It soon became a regular afterschool habit. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I just knew it felt damn good. What really scared me, though, was my aroused, engorged, and very tender protruding clit. Not knowing what it was, but fearing I was harming myself, I went to my mother's biology textbook (she was a teacher) and looked through the parts on the human body. Of course no sexual or genital organs were included in this high school text. What was pictured was the large and small intestine. Ohmygod! I thought I was mutilating myself, and my intestines were coming out of my body. Each time I came, I tried to push my "intestine" back into my body. It scared the shit out of me, but didn't stop me from masturbating.
Child's Play

When I was around eight years old I asked my mother what a homosexual was (she had called our neighbor one). She told me that "homo" meant "same" and "sexual" meant "sex." So I thought, "Oh my God! I am a homosexual because I touch myself! This is awful! I am going to hell!" A year later I asked my mother how homosexuals had sex with each other. She said, "Through their rectum." But she must have scratched her nose while she said it, because I thought she was saying that her nostril was the rectum. Since I had NO CLUE what a rectum really was, I was horrified once again. "Oh my God!" I thought. "That must hurt like hell!" So for years I thought that gay men were weird and disgusting because they fucked each other's noses. I was so relieved when I realized they were buttfuckers and not nosefuckers. I was also relieved to know that I was a homosexual not because I touch myself but because I like to touch other women.
No Objects Shall Enter

I have two funny stories about sexual misconceptions. The first one is not exactly about sex, but close enough: When my brother was about 15 years old, he was well aware that girls had periods. However, I think he watched a little bit too much TV, complete with maxi pad commercials with demonstrations. He thought that women's periods were blue, like the liquid they would show being poured into pads to demonstrate their absorbency! He'll never live that one down. Another one is from when I first became a teenager. My friend and I were trying to figure out exactly what handjobs were, since some of the boys had been tossing around the term. (I had visions of rubbing a guy's penis back and forth furiously between my hands, as if to start a fire.) An older, more experienced girl explained, "Well, it's kind of like getting that last bit of ketchup out of the bottle. It's the same kind of wrist movement." This was back when glass bottles were more popular than those squeeze ones. Even though I'm in my late 20s now, I still can't help but laugh if I see someone giving a handjob to a glass ketchup bottle in a restaurant.
The Mave

My mom, in that super-calm instructive voice she used to sound extra-casual, told me, "A man helps a woman to have a baby." She also said that "a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina." So I spent a lot of time imagining a man and a woman on the operating table in the hospital, both flat on their backs, their legs scissored around each other. I figured the man's foreskin must form a suction cup that attached to the baby's head and helped to pull it out.

Dunno how funny this will be to you, but my friends find it hilarious (particularly when they're drunk): My mother was a categorical man-hater and all my life described how evil they were and how they would fuck you blind and leave you pregnant. So the first time I was naked with a guy wasn't until I was 22 and wasted out of my mind in order to deal with the fear my sweet mother instilled. So there we were, making out in the darkness of his room, and eventually he asked me to give him a handjob. I was so afraid to even touch his penis he had to gently guide my hand "down there," and when I touched it for the first time I was completely shocked that it was just oh-so-soft skin. I almost expected it to leap out and attack me. As I began to caress it, I just got so caught up in the moment... I couldn't help but exclaim in my drunken wonder of this thing I had feared: "THAT'S IT!!??" He was none too thrilled at my comment, not quite getting the profundity of the revelation.
Also Laughing at Myself Now


When I was 7, one of my friends tenaciously held to the theory that babies were made when a man urinated into the woman's mouth. The humping part, my friend explained, which we all vaguely knew was part of the baby-making process, helped the man build up enough pee. I was grossed out and alienated from all adults after learning this. I couldn't understand why anyone would ever make a baby under such circumstances. Did grown women like the taste of pee? Troubled, I asked my dad how I was born. "Well, your mother and I decided to have you and then...." He stopped. "I'll tell you when you're 14." Fourteen?! Unwilling to wait that long, I found a book in the children's section of the library about human reproduction and got my answer. The penis-in-vagina model was still disturbing to me at 7, but it was better than the my-mom-guzzles-pee model. So I was able to feel okay about being kissed by my mother again... until I learned about oral sex.
Momentarily Relieved

I was one of those brainy kids that read too much and understood even less. So it made "perfect" sense to me that if my penis got bigger, wider, and harder when I wanted sex, then it logically followed that a girl's vagina gets softer and opens up like the doors on Star Trek to accommodate me. Then, when I found out that gay men have sex by inserting their penises into each other's asses, it logically followed that, if you're gay, you must have an orgasm EVERY time you take a shit. At the time I thought it must be great to be gay!
Foster S.

I was about 12 when I started figuring out that I was gay. The popular theories at the time (as I understood them) all revolved around dramatic Freudian psychoanalytic revelations. My revelation was that I liked other boys because I still had my foreskin. I was apparently the only boy in the U.S. who was uncircumcized (it was the '70s). So I postulated that the psychological trauma of my embarrassing wiener had made me go fag. It was pretty humiliating to ask my mom to get me the chop job "for health reasons." Worse than that was the actual bloody mess that is a 12-year-old freshly circumcized penis. And still worse was the agonizing wait for the desire to hump girls to arrive. It turns out that telling your mom you need a circumcision when you're 12 is actually more traumatizing than telling her you're gay at 19.
Cut Homo Over Phobia

My older sister kept a box of tampons sitting on the floor next to the toilet. I was probably 8 years old when I became interested in these strange little plastic tubes. I had no idea what they were for. The box had helpful visual diagrams that made it look like the tampons were meant to be inserted in your butt. I had no idea what a vagina was at the time. Wanting to be cool and grown-up like my sister, I began inserting tampons in my butthole. Only later did I discover that tampons were not for 8-year-old boys' rectums.
Really a Goof

I had my first orgasm in the bathtub. For months, the new hobby was indulged in the tub, under water, in a bubble bath. I'm the cleanest kid in town. But the itch gets the better of me in bed one night. All's going well, door's locked, the ever-more-familiar feeling of warmth is on its way, and... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WHITE STUFF?!! I concluded I must have cancer and this vile, pus-like discharge was my body's attempt to keep the disease from eating me alive. My terror over the copious amounts of cancerous goo flowing from my dick didn't stop me from playing with it. I'm extremely courageous that way.
Still Peeved About Not Knowing

When I was about 7, my 8-year-old older brother had the pleasure (or painful discomfort... I still don't really know) of seeing his first porno flick at our teenaged cousins' house. It was called Oriental Orgasms, and I'll never forget his exact words about it: "There were all of these Chinese guys getting their penises sucked by this one Chinese girl. Their penises all got real big, and then after awhile, CHAMPAGNE SPRAYED OUT OF IT!" After my initial "EEEWWWW!!" all I could think was, "So... is that where champagne comes from?"
Classic Underage Misconception

When I was coming of age, I lived alone with my mom. I was younger than my classmates, and too intimidated to ask about puberty. As a child with a vivid imagination, observing my horny dog led me to conclude that one day my erections would emerge from the outer layer of skin, like the dog's did. For a time, I was terrified of getting an erection, convinced that if not suppressed, my penis would "peel back" to reveal the true, slimy boner lurking inside.
Finally Learned a Canine Cock Is Different

One of the kids at my Catholic school was proud to teach the rest of us guys all about sex. He had peeked in on his mother and her boyfriend and explained it as follows: The man puts a balloon on his dick then uses his dick to insert the balloon into the woman's pee hole. Then he puts his lips to the woman's pee hole and inflates the balloon until it pops. He knew it popped because his mother screamed when it did. We believed him because his story was just too bizarre to have been made up.
Canadian Balloon Inflator


There is only one thing in my mind that is not perfect about my girlfriend: the area around her anus is very hairy. I feel uncomfortable mentioning it to her as it could make her extremely self-conscious, but it does bother me a great deal. My questions are these: 1. Should I even bring it up? 2. And if so, how would you suggest I do so without hurting her feelings or making her feel uncomfortable? 3. Finally, how do you recommend removing hair in such a sensitive area?
Hairy Met Sally

1. Sure.
2. The best approach in a delicate situation like this, HMS, is to use "I" statements. "I" statements will allow you to express how you feel about your girlfriend's hairy anus without putting her on the defensive. So don't say, "Your hairy anus is revolting." Instead say, "I think your hairy anus is revolting." Also, humor could help to dispel tension, i.e., "Hey, when did they start making thongs out of dead ferrets?"
3. Duct tape--put it on, rip it off.
Okay, back to not thinking about the election. Back to thinking about 16-year-olds: Here's a concept that a straight male friend who wishes to remain anonymous introduced me to, a concept that may explain away my desire to fuck my scalding-hot thirtysomething boyfriend back when he was a scalding-hot teenage water-skier. It goes like this: My straight male friend tells me that when he notices a particularly good looking teenage girl, he can't help but imagine how hot she'll be at, say, 20 or 25. He calls these good looking teenage girls "round ups," as in, "If you rounded up that girl over there to 25 or so, I would totally want to fuck her." He insists he's not a pederast, just an optimist. Discuss.


I never heard of your column until I started a new job. I found out about it because every Wednesday, when the Village Voice comes out in New York, this creep I work with comes into the conference room at lunchtime, where the rest of us are eating, and reads us the disgusting letters you print from the perverts and degenerates that write to you. He asks us what our advice would be before he reads your filthy answers. If I were to speak my mind, my answer would be that you and your readers should have your mouths washed out with soap, but I'm new to this job and I don't want to make a fuss. Sign me (as I'm sure you would appreciate, Mr. Acronym):
Doofus Intentionally Reads Terrible Blather At Group

Knowing that this would be the last time you ever read my column (or had it read to you), DIRTBAG, I selected the letters above with you in mind. Straightjackets, denim fetish, wet-and-messy fetish, piss, shit, and necrophilia--it's quite a sendoff, no? As for your threat to wash my readers' mouths out with soap, I'll certainly be hearing from readers who get off on that after your letter appears--and all e-mails from soap fetishists will be forwarded right on to you, DIRTBAG, in case you wanna make good on your threat. But while we wait for those letters to pour in, let's consider this: Any employer in NYC large enough to have a conference room must also have a sexual-harassment policy in place. Perhaps you should be complaining to your human resources manager about that dirtbag you work with and not to me?


Pre-come is a fluid secreted by your Cowper's glands, which are two wee glands that pump a slick, watery fluid into your urethra when you're turned on. (Your urethra is the tube that carries your piss and come out of your body.) This natural lubricant slicks up your urethra so that (1) your sperm cells aren't scorched by any trace amounts of acidic urine in your piss tube, and (2) your thick, white junk goes flying as you ejaculate instead of just gumming up the inside of your tube.

Finally, god bless Canada for being so sensible and so close by. Days after the FDA refused to approve Plan B, the Canadian government announced that Canadians will soon be able to enjoy over-the-counter Plan B along with their gay marriages, socialized medicine, and decriminalized pot.

Here's some news, Dan, for you and all your fat-hating, sexist buddies: Women's bodies belong to women. Fuck you and your fascist beauty standards.


FAT!SO? says fuck you!

And what if seeing naked, cute, skinny guys bent over at the waist with their wrists tied to their ankles made me very hot? (Strictly a hypothetical, Mom, I swear.) Should the fact that I find this sight arousing compel others to have to view it too? Or should I be respectful of others and go to gay SM parties and/or Iraqi prisons administered by the U.S. armed forces if I want to see shit like that?

And no one is suggesting that ALL people enter into gay marriages, ya dope, thus denying our "government" a fully populated country. Even if all the GAY people on earth got married tomorrow--and it bears keeping in mind that not all gay people want to get married, could find someone to marry, or would be willing to leave the priesthood in order to marry--there would still be plenty of heteros out there populating the hell out of the place.

But marriage, as currently practiced by heterosexuals, is not about making babies. A modern marriage is whatever two straight people want it to be. It can last a lifetime, it can last an afternoon. It can be sexually exclusive, it can be open. It can be sacred (church, family, priest), or it can be profane (Vegas, strangers, Elvis). The wife can "joyfully submit" to the husband, as Southern Baptist women are encouraged to do, or the husband and wife can be equals. (Or as in the case of my friends Zac and Megan, the husband can joyfully submit to the wife.) And they can make little smooshes of themselves, or they can be childless. What makes them married--in their own eyes, and in the eyes of the state--is their love and commitment to each other, not their commitment to growing the population.

This doesn't happen too often, ladies and gentlemen, so mark your journals: DR is right, I was wrong, and I'm taking it back--not all of my advice to FTM, please note, just the bit where I advized FTM to lie. The boyfriend needs to know that his insistence on crossdressing and mask-wearing during sex to the exclusion of other kinds of sex will, as DR points out, have consequences.

However, ladies and gentlemen, while I agree with DR on this point, in no way should this rare reversal be interpreted as a blanket endorsement of "honesty." A nice idea in theory, honesty is not always a workable one in practice. There are times when a lie is the loving option and the right thing to do. But this isn't one of those times: FTM's ex-boyfriend needs to know he can be a crossdressing, latex-mask-wearing perv but he can't be a selfish, crossdressing, latex-mask-wearing perv.

Viva la Vulva Libre!

it's one thing to indulge your partner in a fetish that you're willing to play along with. It's quite another to indulge your partner in a fetish that you can't abide.

"abstinence education," AKA the sex-negative, sex-phobic moralizing that passes for sex ed in the United States nowadays. In her abstinence ed classes, your on-your-dick-again, off-your-dick-again girlfriend was taught that anyone--but especially any girl--who has sex with someone to whom she isn't married, or, failing that, passionately in love with and committed to marrying ASAP, is a Terrible Person with Terrible Morals who will contract a number of Terrible STDs and die a Terrible Death.

Gee, ICBINP, I don't recall discussing poo-eaters recently in Savage Love, nor have I printed any questions from people looking to fake their way through a big poo-eating orgy. I also think your premise is faulty, freako. Those of us who aren't interested in the erotic possibilities of crap aren't going to leap at the chance to fake shit play. I once gave a recipe in Savage Love for faux poo for the bacterially minded--mashed potatoes mixed with a drop or two of butyric acid--but it didn't prompt a run on potato futures. For most people, ICBINP, if it looks like poo and smells like poo, it's going to be revolting to handle even if it isn't poo. Likewise, if it drops out of someone's ass, looks like poo, has the consistency of poo, and is roughly the color of poo (or one of the colors poo comes in), most right-thinking people will be revolted, even if it's peanut butter. But thanks for sharing.

Maybe you missed the reference to my boyfriend and the Finnish men's swim team in last week's column, Amy K., but I'm a huge homo. Which means, of course, that I can't be married--at least not now, at least not in the United States. Allowing me to marry my boyfriend would imperil lasting, stable heterosexual marriages, like the one Britney Spears enjoyed for 55 hours earlier this month.

The other reject "wanted me to burn his balls with a flamethrower and hammer his body down with nails and pins while he was whipped to death," Meiwes said. "I found that a bit weird." (You know you're a freak when you're a bit too weird for a gay sex cannibal.) But it's the Guardian that comes through with the most disturbing details of all: After cutting off and eating Brandes' penis, Mr. Meiwes sat down and - Jesus, it's difficult even to type this - "read a Star Trek novel." Eesh. I take a hard-line position on cannibalism. Gosh darn it, I just think it's wrong. Meiwes may have had his victim's consent--Brandes' consumption was not only videotaped but also devoutly wished for--but there are times when the very act of giving your consent proves you're not competent to give your consent. A perfectly healthy person who consents to his own sexualized murder, for instance, and eats his own tough, overcooked penis before being killed, is in need of mental help, not meat tenderizer.

My girlfriend is the most complete mattress-back I have ever encountered. She refuses to adopt any position that doesn't involve her keeping an eye on the ceiling.

occasional visit to a jackshack

Go nuclear. Tell your mother what you saw, tell her what you suspect, and sit back and watch all hell break loose.

Unlike a live woman, a dead woman can never emasculate you. She may not smell very good after a few days but then there's always a catch, isn't there?

I've never actually seen an extremely beautiful goth girl myself--most of them seem to have weight problems, which has always struck me as strangely contradictory. From the neck up, the look cultivated by goth girls seems to say, "Oh, we despair of this world and long for the sweet embrace of death!" From the neck down, their look seems to say, "I'll take the bacon cheeseburger, two orders of fries, and a Diet Coke, please."

Wanna Keep Condom On

A couple of safety pins--sterilize 'em first, of course--should keep that condom in place. If that doesn't work, well, try a staple gun.


Take gay animals. Homophobes used to argue that homosexuality was unnatural because no other animals engaged in it. When scientists finally admitted that, yes, animals do engage in homosexual acts, the bigots turned around and insisted that homosexuality is disgusting because animals engage in it.

Wonkette (girl equivalent to Dan)


Now Freddie Prinze Jr.'s penis, on the other hand, just so happens to be attached to Freddie Prinze Jr., which would make his penis an exciting sight no matter what it looked like. As you mature, my young friend, you'll learn that penises are a lot like real estate: It's all about location, location, location.

About the only time I feel horny for a woman is after I smoke a joint.

My friend Dave smokes a dumpster full of dope every other day and it hasn't turned him into a lesbian, so it's probably not the weed. Maybe it's your diet. Have you tried cutting out dairy?

To calculate the precise amount of time it will take to get over this girl, divide the number of years you were together in half, subtract one month for every year you are over 30, and have another beer.

Let's just say that I didn't need to find one of Ellen DeGeneres' pubic hairs in the corner of Mary (Cheney's) mouth to conclude she was a dyke... Cheney is one of those looks-like-a-dyke/quacks-like-a-dyke... George W. Bush is welcoming Mary Cheney into his campaign with open arms--provided, we have to assume, that Mary doesn't want to marry her girlfriend (which Bush opposes), pass hate crimes legislation (which Bush opposes), adopt a child (which Bush opposes), receive domestic partner benefits (which Bush opposes), or join the Marines (which both Bush and her daddy oppose)... It was equally odd in 2000 to watch gay-bashing Bushies insist that Mary Cheney is welcome on W.'s campaign bus. Has anyone told Mary that she's expected to sit all the way in the back?

God forbid that I should be so "politically incorrect" as to suggest that some Canadian women might be content with a decent guy who earns a decent living. As you so rightly point out in your eloquent and stereotype-smashing letter, MSASH, that's nothing but a pernicious and harmful stereotype. Someone had to tell the world that Canadian women can be money-grubbing whores too, just like American women. Thank you for taking the time to write.

God forbid that I should be so "politically incorrect" as to suggest that some Canadian women might be content with a decent guy who earns a decent living. As you so rightly point out in your eloquent and stereotype-smashing letter, MSASH, that's nothing but a pernicious and harmful stereotype. Someone had to tell the world that Canadian women can be money-grubbing whores too, just like American women. Thank you for taking the time to write.

God forbid that I should be so "politically incorrect" as to suggest that some Canadian women might be content with a decent guy who earns a decent living. As you so rightly point out in your eloquent and stereotype-smashing letter, MSASH, that's nothing but a pernicious and harmful stereotype. Someone had to tell the world that Canadian women can be money-grubbing whores too, just like American women. Thank you for taking the time to write. I've had my thumb in a few butts, provoking reactions ranging from delight to disgust, but my thumb has never, ever, not once, paralyzed a sex partner. Of course, this does not explain why you keep going back, Mr. 200% Straight, for more blow jobs. Did the masseur leave his thumb in your butt?

My long-standing fantasy has been to tie up or cuff a man, and stick his body, including his penis, with a million stickpins. I want to draw blood. I want to see him scream and beg for mercy. I have always been fearful of expressing this desire, but I want this now. Can you understand the meaning of this? Why must I do this? Have you ever heard of this?

Have I ever heard of this? I have videos of it, I have friends who make a living doing it. "Properly channeled and marketed, she has a big career in professional dominance ahead of her," said Mistress Matisse. "Piercings are considered an extreme form of SM by some wusses--I mean people. Doing these things will not 'cure her rage.' It's like food or sex--you want more. The thing is to find people who want you to do these things to them, and then learn how to inflict pain skillfully and safely."

Under only two sets of circumstances do you "owe" someone else a blowjob:
1. The person asking for a blowjob has just finished giving you a blowjob, or.
2. He paid you to give him a blowjob and you don't want to give him his money back.

As a man, I don't think "nice guys" get naked with girls who've had 21 shots. A nice guy would've taken the drunk slut back to her room and handed her over to her friends--even if he had to do it over her drunken objections. But while you can't count yourself among the nice guys, you can count yourself among the lucky ones. You're lucky that she didn't wake up, realize she was naked, and, as so many young women are encouraged to do these days, work through her humiliation, regret, and hangover by calling the police and accusing you of date rape.

Gayness isn't something that sneaks up on a guy while he's waiting for that reclusive woman to come along. No, CAC, gayness is something that kicks down the bedroom doors of terrified 13-year-old boys, crawls under the covers, and refuses to leave.

It's a tiny leap from pretending the guy tying you up is a girl to pretending the guy sucking you off/beating you off is a girl, but he won't make that leap until you give him a push. So shove!

Brightly lit "road kill" shots of female genitalia make me nervous.

As for how common it is for brothers and sisters to sleep together, I'm not sure, but that kind of inbreeding would explain why the people of, say, Tennessee didn't award their 11 Electoral College votes to their own Al Gore.

Use your right hand to make a fist around the base of your boyfriend's cock. This will limit how much of his cock he can get in your mouth and provide him with additional stimulation, which will hopefully get him off quicker. At the same time, make a fist around his scrotum with your left hand. He'll be less likely to make a sudden move (like a throat-plugging thrust) if it might cost him his nuts. Finally, without loosening your grip on his balls, use the index finger of your left hand to tickle the area behind his balls and in front of his asshole.


01, 02, 03, 04


Source: City Pages and Village Voice and The Stranger (of which he is editor and advice columnist)


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