People I like | Dan Savage


01, 02, 03, 04


The following is a special Web supplement to Dan Savage’s regular column, which appears in the print version of the Georgia Straight.


Last week you wrote this about your readers’ responses to WILLIE and FS: “I find it odd that no long letters arrived laying out what FS was doing wrong. Is it always the man’s fault, I wonder? If something is going wrong in a couple’s sex life, the man must be to blame?” I wanted to answer your rhetorical question.


If we assume FS is at fault, I would say that she probably forced her husband to watch her bear their children and it freaked him out. She did say that the sex dried up after the kids came. Guys don’t want to be labelled as bad husbands or disinterested fathers, so they go into the delivery room as ordered even though they know damn well that it will be impossible to delete the mental images.


Then, after they watch a pussy (one they once cherished as a snug home for their dicks, two inches wide at MOST) stretch open four or five inches, and then they watch something slimy force its way free kicking and screaming, and THEN watch something that looks like raw meat slide out, all accompanied by screaming and usually urine and feces, both from the mother and the child… well, some guys just have trouble looking at that specific pussy the same way ever again. (I have told my husband that he is NOT TO WATCH that process, and while I want him there holding my hand because I am selfish, I want him safely behind a drape for entirely different selfish reasons.) I have one friend who can’t get it up with his wife without watching porn first, because he can’t shake the thought of her crotch covered with meconium without a lot of distraction. Know what meconium is? Yeah. Ron Jeremy couldn’t fuck a porn star covered with meconium.


On top of that, women who have had children certainly can get their bodies back, and often “better” than it was before the babies. However, unless said babies were popped out when mama was young and her skin tone was fresh and dewy, there is a… kind of a pooch of skin. It does not make her less sexy, to some men. Some men find it more sexy. Some do not, and if FS is married to someone who does not, all the crying in the world won’t change it.


Finally, FS is strutting around in what SHE thinks is sexy. She should ask what HE thinks is sexy. She may be in for a shock. As a personal example, I once owned a black leather bustier with fishnet panels and a matching thong. All of my previous lovers had thought it was deliciously naughty. The fellow (with the low sex drive) I actually married, however, nearly died and not in a good way when he saw that outfit. We had a nice honest conversation—what HE thinks is sexy is not as blatant, and furthermore he thinks that thongs make everyone’s ass look supersized. Fuck if I care about the costuming, it’s about getting him going, so out with the leather and the thongs and in with the negligees and the lace boy shorts

Stop traumatizing for weeks and talking to everyone and writing to agony columns, and smoking thousands of cigarettes and crying in the bathroom. Just remember: WHEN A FRIEND TRIES TO HIDE SOMETHING PERVY THAT THEY DID BUT YOU CAUGHT THEM OUT AND YOU DON''T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THEM. THIS GUY WAS CAUGHT BY A GIRL WHO WOKE UP TO FIND THIS GUY MASTURBATING WITH HIS FINGER UP HIS BUTT OVER HER BOYFRIEND. You're afraid to confront your friend because it would make him uncomfortable. But he did something deeply creepy that made you uncomfortable. So why not lob the discomfort back into his court? He may blame the booze, insist he doesn't remember, or tell you he sleepwanks, but he needs to know he was spotted.

Officially, FWFR? It's so not OK to use gay as a synonym for lame. When you use gay like that, you're reinforcing a cultural prejudice against gay people—I mean duh, right? You may not be a homophobe, but using that expression is homophobic, and when you use it you're helping to sustain the prejudice that deprives your gay friends of their civil rights and marriage rights. Unofficially, I don't care what you do. Most of the gay people I know use "that's so gay" the same way you do, and the few times I've overheard strangers using the expression, people who may or may not have been gay, I had to concede the point: The thing they were tagging as so gay was, in fact, so gay. Finally, a buddy who uploads a Phil Collins CD onto his computer isn't a dumb shit, he's a douchebag. Please make a note of it.

Earlier this month Republicans in South Dakota successfully banned abortion in that state. Last week the GOP-controlled state House of Represen-tatives in Missouri voted to ban state-funded family planning clinics from dispensing birth control. "If you hand out contraception to single women," one Republican state rep told the Kansas City Star, "we're saying promiscuity is okay." On the federal level, Republicans are blocking the over-the-counter sale of emergency contraception and keeping a 100 percent effective HPV vaccine-a vaccine that'll save the lives of thousands of women every year-from being made available.

The GOP's message to straight Americans: If you have sex, we want it to fuck up your lives as much as possible. No birth control, no emergency contraception, no abortion services, no life-saving vaccines. If you get pregnant, tough shit. You're going to have those babies, ladies, and you're going to make those child-support payments, gentlemen. And if you get HPV and it leads to cervical cancer, well, that's too bad. Have a nice funeral, slut.

What's it going to take to get a straight-rights movement off the ground? The GOP in Kansas is seeking to criminalize hetero heavy petting, for God's sake. Wake up and smell the freaking holy war, breeders. The religious right hates heterosexuality just as much as it hates homosexuality. Fight back!

Your advice for Just Another Silly Girl was great, but you missed an important factor. She was having sex with a boy who wasn't being particularly nice to her. They can use each other till they get good and sore, but she does need him to stop being an asshole about it. Here's what I'd recommend she say to him: "You like to fuck me; I like to fuck you too. We have fun; I'd like to continue having fun. But if you ever insult me again, I will tell everyone you know that I'm using you for sex. I like the kicks I get with you, but I'm no longer willing to trade my self-esteem for them.


Concerned Stoner


Well said, CS, well said.

Anal-sex prep is hashed over in skanky and mainstream sex advice columns alike: proper hygiene, lengthy foreplay, and, for the peggers out there, the procurement of strap-ons. But scant attention is paid to the post-anal-sex issues, like the proper disposal of lube, semen, and santorum. Why? Because semen, lube, and santorum disposal reminds us of the asshole's primary function, and so sex advisers tend to gloss over PAS issues. But at your request, here's the ancient Gay-Boy Secret: After your boyfriend comes in your ass, LTCHTM, pull your ass off his dick and plop it down on the toilet. Bring a magazine. Then crap it out—crap it all out. Cum and lube and santorum that aren't left in your ass can't leak out and soil your undies the next day.

There's nothing wrong with a man who wants to eat a woman's ass—or toss her salad, as the straight kids say. And no, ladies, there's nothing gay about a boy sticking his tongue up a girl's butt. Like most every sex act, save solo or cyber, eating ass carries health risks—all the usual STIs along with intestinal parasites (it does, however, present a relatively low risk for HIV transmission). Tossers can minimize their risks by eating only freshly showered butt and by reserving rimming, as the gay kids call it, for regular partners you know to be in good sexual health.

I am a straight 26-year-old male with a sexy, adventurous girlfriend. She is my sixth sexual partner and I am her first. From innocent Christian schoolgirl beginnings, she has followed me into bondage, water sports, and strip clubs—she even indulges my mild sadism! At first she was firmly against the idea of "sharing" me. Then she told me she had changed her mind. She's always been attracted to women, and she mentioned some women we may want to ask to have a three-way with us. I was overjoyed—what straight man wouldn't be? During this same discussion she mentioned that she wasn't sure it would be a good idea for her to commit to never having sex with another man—after all, she's only been with me. I told her that it sounded OK, but since I'm not really into MMF threesomes, she would be on her own. But when I asked if I could fuck other women without her being there, she said no! Isn't this a complete double standard?—Fair Is Fair


She wants to have FFM three-ways because she's attracted to women, FIF, but there's something in it for you too. Not only do you get to participate, but your participation also gives you veto power over the women your girlfriend messes around with. Since those FFM three-ways can't happen without you, they can't happen with women you find threatening or don't approve of. But if you sleep with other women without her around, she doesn't get a veto. As for other men, FIF, the reason she "gets" to fuck other guys without you there—big, brave, kinky, experienced, sadistic you—is because you have some sort of stupid hang-up about MMF three-ways. There's no double standard: She's perfectly willing to watch you fuck around with another woman. You, on the other hand, are not willing to watch her mess around with another guy. (You're not required to touch the other guy in a MMF threesome.) If you can't go there—if you're terrified of being in the same room with another naked man—then she's not choosing to be alone with that other guy, you're imposing that choice on her.

Break. Up. With. The. Bitch. A romantic partner who attempts to isolate you from your friends—you can't even text them?—is an abuser.


(Note from Tanya: Occasionally you might find that the Bitch is a Clever Bitch or CB. In which case, CB will attempt to mask the reasons for their isolating you, "Your friends just don't like me." Eyelash bat-bat. Wide-eyed, lying, manipulative, selfish, vegetarian Bitches do it. I am not sure about other kinds... And then CB will behave in the most terrifying paranoid delusional freak-out, so that even if you disagree you have to submit or else.)


01, 02, 03, 04


Source: City Pages and Village Voice and The Stranger (of which he is editor and advice columnist)


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